My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?

The solemness of the day cannot be overstated. For it was on this day, that God offers us the greatest possible gift of his mercy. By offering up his only Son on the Cross for the salvation, God accomplishes what he started at the beginning of time. No wonder, Jesus, the humble son of the living God, dies with these words on his lips, "It is finished." No Christ isn't talking about the end of the world, but the beginning of its creation. He has finished the work his Father started.

Nearly 2,000 years after Christ's fulfillment of his Father's mission, I entered St. George's Anglican Church in Paris for the very first time. It was a Sunday, a day of rest and day of celebration. It was on this day that Christians believe Jesus rose again from the dead. We were in the middle of summer so the church was relatively empty. The service was rather simple and straightforward. I didn't understand any of it and just followed what others were doing. A gentleman next to me showed me the texts and hymns to sing along and I just did what he told me to do. 

I didn't receive any special revelation on that day. I went home as usual. But God had struck a chord with me. From that Sunday onward, I cherish this holy day every week, primarily because it is a day of rest. But it is also a day of hope and joy, because no matter how bad the week was, Sunday always offers hope that after death, there is the resurrection.

In the next few weeks, I'd live my own version of our Lord's Passion and Resurrection, one that'd drive me to despair and had it not been for God's amazing grace, to suicide. I had no success when it came to my internship search, I didn't manage to find a new apartment for the upcoming year and to make things worse, I was a victim of a scam that wiped my bank account savings. I also lost my wallet (which thank God, I managed to find it back later). The scam and losing the wallet happened on the same day. I couldn't take it anymore. I rushed to kitchen to find something to kill myself and end all this suffering, once and for all. 

I was inconsolable. I asked the question Jesus asked on the cross but without knowing it. "My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?" (I hadn't read that part of the Gospel yet). Somehow I found the courage in the midst of all of this. I had an appointment scheduled with an Anglican priest the next day and I said to myself, I will ask him the question every skeptic asks, "Where is God in all of this?" 

I'm sure you are curious to know what happened next. The very next day, I found my wallet, so I was slightly more hopeful than the day before. It was a Thursday. On Friday, I found an internship at the OECD. By Sunday, I had found an apartment, and one that I would share with 8 other Catholics and where I would take baby steps towards holiness. 

Three days before, I was at the worst point of my life. I had felt as if I was totally useless, unable to rent an apartment, to manage money, to find a job. In short, useless at everything and a burden to my parents and to society. Three days later, I could repeat after St. Thomas, "My Lord and my God." I believed in the resurrection on that Sunday. And I have never doubted it since. In a very personal way, God gave me the grace to partake in his passion and his rising. 

When I repeat this story to my Christian friends, they were amazed at God's bounty. However, when I said the same thing to my parents or to non-believers, their response is always, "Oh, you must be exaggerating". Only God knows, how, when I had been robbed and when I realized I was naked like Adam after the original sin, vulnerable to the core, how much I desired death. 

Had it not been for God's grace, I would have never made it out. But I recall not only the pain and the suffering but also the joy when it all ended and when I found joy again. I recall these events often because they remind me of God's unceasing love for us. He never abandons me. When I cry out, "My God, My God, why have you abandoned me," he always comes to my aid. 

"You alone are true joy, my hope and my crown, my gladness and my honor, my Lord!" - St.  Therese of Lisieux

I will also share why after this episode, I began to develop a great devotion to St. Therese, who became my elder sister in faith. I fell in love with her and I truly consider to be friend. As, we Catholics believe that Saints are very much alive, I believe she watches over me, reveals her secrets and listens to me, when I talk to her.

I was attracted to Therese because even though it seemed that she had a pretty normal life she did go through the same emotions of extreme sadness as I did. But she also demonstrated immense strength and courage in the face of trials, and most importantly, great confidence in God's love. 

She showed me that it is precisely when we are vulnerable to the core that God enters our hearts and make our heart is dwelling place. We can then sing with Therese the mercies of our Lord. You alone are true joy, my hope and my crown, my gladness and my honor, my Lord!"